Jesse’s Girl: Support in Recovery

So, the song goes, “I wish that I had Jessie’s girl,” because some dude is lusting after his friend’s woman. This post isn’t so much about that. In my head that song is more like other girls singing, “I wish that I was Jesse’s Girl” because let me tell you, my man is the good stuff. And, he’s HOTTER than Rick Springfield. The best way to get support is to ask for it. Trust me, I know this is hard. When you’re in the throes of an eating disorder, secrecy is king. I get it. The LAST THING you want…

Want to #feelallthefeels? Try this…

Have you ever realized when you say, “I feel fat,” that can’t possibly be true? In daytime treatment, at nearly every meal, this conversation took place: Therapist: How do you feel? Client: I feel fat. Therapist: Fat is not a feeling. How do you feel? Client (in their head): As a person with anorexia… I respectfully (most of the time) disagreed with the notion that fat is not a feeling when I was in treatment. The feeling of fat was extraordinarily real to me. I felt literally like I was expanding with each bite. I could feel the extra flesh…

After 40 years, God showed up.

So, Jesus and me. We have had a long and winding journey. I followed Jesus as a Christian for 15 years, from age 14-29. Highlights of this time include: Being at church 5-7 days per week during high school Going to a tiny Baptist university in Arkansas Going to Africa as a missionary for two years after college Working at a Baptist college after returning to the States Being a “small group” leader (the group grew to 30) and mentor to younger Christians I mean, I was IN IT, y’all. I wore shirts like this: I was Christian. I could…

The power of a doughnut.

Last March, I went to Las Vegas for a conference. I was at my deepest point in anorexia, at my lowest weight and terrified of everything. My biggest fear about going to the conference was the food. What would I eat? Would I be able to stay disciplined? Could I possibly return home at the same weight or even less? The conference provided breakfast, lunch, and two snacks. I was there with two colleagues, who were excited to explore Vegas in the evenings. As soon as our flights were booked, I started planning each day, each meal. Breakfast was easy….

Game, Set, Match.

March 29, 2013 – my first weight recording on MyFitnessPal. January 1, 2019 – checked my “all-time” weight recording on MFP for the first time. In just under six years, guess what the weight difference was? ZERO. ZERO. Once more, with feeling. ZERO. I was SHOCKED. Since March 29, 2013, I have dieted. I have had a gym membership. I have have had a personal trainer. I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have binged. I have worked out regularly. I have eaten compulsively. I have developed full-blown anorexia. I have been in all kinds of treatment settings…

I’m okay.

A miracle happened this Monday morning. I was driving to work and felt my belly and hips. Employing a coping strategy from treatment, rather than personalizing my thought, I observed it: “Hmm. I feel my belly and hips. I am noticing they are there.” Then, I did the usual next thing. I reached over and pinched my side. I felt the extra skin and extra me that is now there where it wasn’t before. I observed it: “I feel this extra skin.” Then, something totally miraculous happened. I thought, “I’m okay.” Wow. I haven’t thought, “I’m okay” in a really…

Facing the kitchen. Literally.

My department moved to a new building on campus last month. Above is the view from my new office. The person in anorexia recovery won the coveted spot directly facing the kitchen. Does anyone else appreciate the irony? I did laugh when I found out. And I mentioned we moved last month…December…the holidays. What I’ve observed: Everyone on my floor making their lunch, including smells Lots of holiday treats left out for all to have Chatting, lots of chatting. About food. About weight. About body image. Diet culture. I haven’t come up with my strategy for dealing with this yet…