The Recovery Food Pendulum

How many of you recognize this pattern as something you have engaged in, for perhaps many years? SWING INTO RESTRICTIVE EATING! Track calories, restrict fun foods, exercise to burn whatever fun foods I screw up and eat, track more calories, BLAST myself mentally. If I eat anything “bad”, I’m a bad person. If I eat, I’ll never stop. Lose around 15-20 pounds. SWING INTO BINGE/OVER EATING! F*ck it. This isn’t worth it. I look okay enough. JJ loves me so who am I trying to impress? I miss french fries. I need french fries. Every. single. day. I’m going to…

Hurry up, Recovery.

I’ve learned a lot over the past year and some change that I’ve been in eating disorder recovery. And I’ve learned that patience is required to get better. I start moving in the right direction, and in an instant, I’m swept away by Ana and her promises of the perfect life, if only I am small. It is common for people with anorexia to be perfectionists. Guess what perfectionists are short on? PATIENCE. I just want it to be perfect, every time. I don’t want to try and fail over and over again in order to succeed. That makes me…

My body, an heirloom

Sonalee Rashatwar, a sex therapist and fat activist, was a guest on Christy Harrison’s (and my favorite) podcast, Food Psych, recently (episode 180, check it out). I was listening along, it was all very interesting, when Sonalee says: I consider my body as an heirloom. Have you ever thought of your body as a family heirloom? I have tried to explain on this blog the pervasive sense of loss and feeling of being alone that have resulted from the deaths of my parents and grandparents, without having any siblings. I have come up short every time. Twenty-one years of loss…