Ups and downs.

Anyone who knows what’s going on and asks how I’m doing or how the program is, my response is “Ups and downs”. I feel like I go back and forth constantly on whether I want to recover. I like being at 110. I wasn’t trying to lose any more weight once I got there. I…

Treatment.

I have been in the PHP program for 8 days (plus two weekends). The first day, I really thought I couldn’t go through with it. It was such a foreign place, with its own sub-culture and language that I didn’t understand. I kept nearly silent, trying to learn the norms. Meals were completely awkward. My…

Skipping lunch.

I am supposed to be at lunch with girls from work right now. I could have gone, but I looked at the menu online and didn’t see any good options I could eat. Also, another person got invited that I don’t know well and I didn’t want to deal with that. Another social function missed….

I’m going in.

I had a wild trip to Texas to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding. I overate, like even for a normal person, and got pretty sick. Did I learn? Nope, I overate 4 days in a row. It was a physical and psychological nightmare. I returned home with a renewed commitment to eat less…

Family-sized void.

I have a husband and 21 month old daughter. But I have a family-sized void in my life. If my life was a book, it would have two parts separated by the year 2008. In 2008, my father and grandmother (who was my best friend) died three months apart. My father’s death was completely unexpected…

Hunger.

I’m reading Hunger: A Poetic Journey through Anorexia Nervosa by Katie Lawrence. Truth be told, I’ve never been one for poetry. It’s too abstract for my very concrete mind. But I like this book. Katie struggled her way through anorexia with poetry therapy and the book is sectioned into Before, In the Midst, Hurting, Moving…

Anorexic is the new orange.

I’m trapped in a prison of my own making. I now get that phrase. Being anorexic is the orange prisoner outfit in which I have cloaked myself. It’s been a couple of weeks. I have lost a few pounds. I weighed 110.4 a couple of days ago when I weighed myself before leaving for a…

Fluctuating = Progress?

I have an annual event at work that I organize. It’s 2.5 days, bringing in prospective students to the PhD program I manage from all over the country to interview with our faculty and show off our program. It’s intense. And it involves a lot of food. I overate both days of the main event….

Surviving.

I went to a happy hour with some other moms last Friday. I couldn’t help but eat more calories than I meant to, including a fried goat cheese ball. I love goat cheese. And…I gained a pound overnight. I handled it okay. But, I have been avoiding most social situations that involve food, which is…