Treatment friends and empathy.

On my anorexia recovery journey, I spent 3 weeks in a daytime treatment program and 6 weeks in a residential treatment program in 2018. On my first day in the day program, during breakfast, I thought I had entered a looney bin. And I didn’t belong there. I learned more about empathy in those 9 […]

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Still I…Now I…

I’ve been out of residential and in outpatient treatment for approximately 3 weeks. Still I… Weigh myself every morning Track calories everyday Eat only Subway and Mod Pizza, and only what is “safe”, when eating out Hate the way I look and think I’m fat Admire JJ and LK, my two live-in intuitive eaters Now […]

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Final decision.

The official recommendation by my treatment team was PHP; however, JJ and I were already on the outpatient train by then. I couldn’t bear to burden everyone anymore, and requesting additional leave was going to require asking people at the university to donate. Then I would be responsible for THEIR leave if I didn’t get […]

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Recommendation.

My discharge date was originally June 6, based on my admit date and their average stay. It was moved to June 13. Then it was moved to June 20. I have started getting pretty comfortable at res. I have learned the rules. I am protected from the outside world and its pressures. I don’t have […]

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THE NUMBER.

The first weekend pass that I went to my house, I didn’t think to weigh myself. I can’t believe it. JJ brought it up after the fact and I was shocked I hadn’t thought of it. Be sure, though, that it didn’t leave my mind from that moment until my next opportunity. JJ had hidden […]

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Family. Support. Family support.

My aunt and uncle, who I have mentioned here and there, came to visit last week to help us with childcare and support me on this journey. I don’t know how to adequately explain how amazing they are. My dad’s brother and his wife, they told me I was one of theirs the day my […]

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Life without Ana.

Miracle Question (from a skills group this week): Imagine that you go to sleep tonight like normal but then overnight POOF something happens and when you wake up, Ana is gone. How do I know she is gone? What is the evidence? I would wake up and not have to immediately weigh myself (3x to […]

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Pass Fail.

I had a weekend pass on Sunday for a few hours. The plan was to go home and play with LK and the dogs while JJ took a well-deserved break. I took the freedom of not having another adult around, particularly a support person, to fail big time. I did not eat the AM snack […]

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Introducing Ana.

I’ve decided to call my eating disorder Ana instead of Ed. For a few reasons: I’m more connected to my eating disorder as a female than male. It’s more specific (Ana for anorexia rather than Ed for eating disorder). Ana is still extremely present in my life, maybe more now than ever, but she has […]

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