Treatment friends and empathy.

On my anorexia recovery journey, I spent 3 weeks in a daytime treatment program and 6 weeks in a residential treatment program in 2018. On my first day in the day program, during breakfast, I thought I had entered a looney bin. And I didn’t belong there. I learned more about empathy in those 9 weeks than I have in my entire life. Your family doesn’t get it. Your closest friends don’t get it. They all misfire accidentally or (even worse) intentionally in their attempts to spur you on to a recovered self. But treatment friends, people who have never…

Am I weightist?

I’m part of an initiative at work to reduce bias at our university campus. It’s work that I’m very interested in and grateful for the opportunity in my new position to be part of as an “extracurricular”. One of the projects is dedicated to inclusive teaching learning at our institution. As part of this project, I was directed to Project Implicit, an Implicit Association Test developed by Harvard psychologists. On this site, there are a wide variety of tests you can take: religion, gender, age disability, sexuality, and more. There’s even one on Presidential Popularity…I won’t go there… Of course,…

Game, Set, Match.

March 29, 2013 – my first weight recording on MyFitnessPal. January 1, 2019 – checked my “all-time” weight recording on MFP for the first time. In just under six years, guess what the weight difference was? ZERO. ZERO. Once more, with feeling. ZERO. I was SHOCKED. Since March 29, 2013, I have dieted. I have had a gym membership. I have have had a personal trainer. I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have binged. I have worked out regularly. I have eaten compulsively. I have developed full-blown anorexia. I have been in all kinds of treatment settings…

Ana’s Reason 5.

Series: Under the Surface – Ana’s 13 Reasons Why A series of posts uncovering what is really beneath my anorexia and depression. Reason 1: Genetic Temperament Traits Reason 2: Inheritance Reason 3: My parents’ marriage. And divorce. And remarriage. To each other. Reason 4: Genes load the gun. Environment pulls the trigger. Reason 5. Mama dies. As coincidence might have it, today is the day for Reason #5, which I wrote a long time ago: Mama dies. Today is also the 21st anniversary of her death. Mama was one of a kind. She had kidney problems from early in life,…

Under the Surface: Ana’s 13 Reasons Why.

I watched both seasons of the controversial Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why. I agreed with a lot of it, actually. I don’t believe in blaming others for my choices, which the main character did, but I do believe that when enough crap piles on top of more crap, the result is an avalanche that can end in a huge disaster of loss. In treatment for the last ten months, I have met with two individual therapists, three group therapists, two dietitians, two doctors, two psychiatrists, and countless other nurses and staff who specialize in eating disorders. Focus for a…

It’s not that I don’t want to live…

If you watched last week’s episode of the new show A Million Little Things (you should, it’s great), you heard a character explain this: Of people who jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, only 1% survive. But, 100% of that 1% said they regretted it the moment they jumped. One said, “It’s not that I don’t want to live. It’s that I don’t want to live like this.” YES. That’s it. In January, I was diagnosed with anorexia AND depression. Most of this blog has focused on the anorexia part. It’s more concrete (even though it’s extremely nebulous), more visible, and…