Jesus is my guru, He is all I want.
He lets me rest in safe places, He leads me into calm spaces.
He restores my soul.
For Jesus’ name, He guides me in His plan.
Even as I survive trials with little hope, I will not fear my future.
You are with me.
Your Spirit and Word comfort me.
So, it seems somewhat wrong to be rewriting something in the Bible. Like, blasphemic.
However, I wasn’t trying to rewrite the Bible. I was trying to pray like David prayed, using my own language to describe how my faith has looked since coming back during my anorexia recovery.
I’ve been thinking again about sharing my story. It’s really hard for me for a number of reasons:
- I don’t want to seem like I need lots of attention, or pity
- I am fairly unconvinced that anyone cares
- I find it hard to take up any kind of space, even on my own blog
- Let’s face it, it can be pretty embarrassing to share your story
I’ve been reading When God Doesn’t Fix It by Laura Story. It is easily the best nonfiction book I’ve read in a long, long time. Laura has a complicated story of brokenness and loss, and wrestles with how to trust God and believe His promises when the worst things happen. Have you ever felt that way? Then read this book!!
My own story has been one big mess with trials that have nearly killed me. I have survived:
- Mama’s surprising death, that involved medical error
- Daddy’s sudden and ludicrous death, that involved medical error
- Grandma’s death, which while natural and expected, took my best friend in the world away from me and left me without any immediate family
These losses broke me. I felt like I was completely alone in the world, and still struggle with this often. I would love to say that I had the perspective that God is in control, He doesn’t give me more than I can handle, etc. But I didn’t. I straight up ditched God. I no longer claimed identity as a Christian. I only complained about my situation, whyyyyy me? rather than trusting God to use my story to let people see Him and His greatness.
I went to my lowest of lows, in the dark valley that is anorexia. I believed my life had no value, that no one would care if I was gone. I fantasized about different ways to end my life. I believed I was unlikable and unlovable. My husband, daughter, and best friend couldn’t pull me out of it. I didn’t let anyone else in.
I took my Bible to residential treatment. I have no idea why, as at that point I hadn’t opened my Bible in years. But there in treatment, when it seemed utterly hopeless and that I would likely die of starvation, I opened my Bible. My aunt spoke truth to me. My husband didn’t abandon me; he loved me.
And ever so slowly, God pulled me out. Slowly, so slowly, I didn’t even completely notice it happening. And then, I happened upon this book by Laura Story and it’s turned my mind and heart upside down.
It’s not actually my story. It’s His story. I don’t need people to see me, feel sorry for me, give me attention. I want His story to show, for His name to be known. I want others who suffer the loss of parents (and other loved ones) and those with eating disorders to see that God is the hero of the story, and He can be the hero of theirs too.