My last post was 3 weeks ago today. Here’s what happened:
I lost my voice.
Wait, what? Why would losing my voice mean I can’t write blog posts?
Because the voice of which I speak is not my actual talking voice.
I lost something more precious to me…
I lost my writing voice.
The perfectionism that lends itself so well to anorexia? Well, she also lends herself nicely to becoming the best blogger in the history of all the bloggers.
I needed to make this blog SOMETHING. I needed likes and comments. I needed the compliments. Rather than my weight, I became obsessed with a new number: my followers. If my followers didn’t increase, I would be in a bad mood and desperately need to figure out what I was doing wrong (or wasn’t doing right) that I hadn’t gone viral yet. I needed to make this my new career. I needed to be the BEST.
So, I did everything I could find about how to make this blog “better”. Go big or quit, I always say. I wanted to Go Big.
I Googled the mess out of all the ways to increase my readership. The blogging experts promised me I would have a bazillion followers and make lots of dollars if I did the following:
- Solve the reader’s problem – titles should be either “How to…” or “X number of ways to…”
- Be consistent – blog at the same time every week (I was doing Mondays at 7pm CST and Recovery Space Thursdays at 7pm CST because that’s when my blogging inspiration posts)
- Have the best content ever
Then I found out…
- People do newsletters now; blogging is old news
Therefore, I needed to:
- Build an email list, which means you need an email marketing company
- Join Pinterest as a business and do all the things Melyssa Griffin says
- Join Tailwind Tribes
- Use Search Engine Optimization (SEO) appropriately
- Set up Google Analytics and use the data to make changes
- Parade my wares on social media as a self-marketer
I spent more money than I will tell you about, such is my embarrassment from wanting to be The Best Eating Disorder Blog Ever.
And then one day, I just couldn’t. Remember, my MO is “Go Big or Quit”. I had gone big and was tired. So I quit. I wasn’t having fun anymore. I felt inauthentic. I was overly exuberant and acting like I knew all the things. And I was going broke.
In short, the blog became my idol.
Also, my recovery went fairly down the toilet.
I discovered that in trying to become The Best Eating Disorder Blog Ever, I abandoned what the blog was even about. My recovery turned into a marketing and money-making scheme, complete with knowing how to talk the talk without doing ANY WALKING AT ALL.
While trying to become The Best Eating Disorder Blog Ever,
- Ana did NOT lose her voice; on the contrary…she has been screaming
- I’ve been on the binge side of the Restriction-Binge Pendulum
- I’m planning to start restricting again after we move into our new house (!!!!) next week. July 8th is the Return of Ana
- I have traded in my dietitian for Camp Gladiator
- I have traded in my recovery podcasts and books for more country music and some fiction
- I went to a psychiatrist and sure enough, I’m still depressed. And we’ve added anxiety to the list. It is decidedly so that I am not bipolar or OCD, so I suppose that’s good. (I feel like getting a second opinion regarding the OCD…)
So, that’s where I’m at. Mommystrongtx is feeling more like Mommyregressed.
But damn it if Mommyregressed won’t write with her own voice even if that means she’s just The Most Average Eating Disorder Blog Ever.