Hurry up, Recovery.

I’ve learned a lot over the past year and some change that I’ve been in eating disorder recovery. And I’ve learned that patience is required to get better. I start moving in the right direction, and in an instant, I’m swept away by Ana and her promises of the perfect life, if only I am small.

It is common for people with anorexia to be perfectionists. Guess what perfectionists are short on? PATIENCE. I just want it to be perfect, every time. I don’t want to try and fail over and over again in order to succeed. That makes me tired. That makes me lose hope.

I just want that prized moment, when I can say, “I am recovered,” to arrive.

I don’t even know if that is an actual moment that happens.

Take this blog for example. It’s really hard to keep writing. To keep putting all my dirty laundry out there and have no idea if I’m helping anyone really. To have no likes, no comments over and over. To believe that I’m not just humiliating myself repeatedly while everyone either ignores this story or sees it and thinks I’m totally looney.

My dream is that the blog becomes a place that people come.

  • To see themselves reflected in a way that makes them feel normal, and recovery is possible.
  • To find books and videos that help them.
  • To access social media that will encourage them and empower them to accept themselves (and others) at any size.
  • To listen to music that inspires hope in a future without an eating disorder.

You see, I would love for this blog to get big enough that I can quit my day job and make a living helping others with recovery: through the blog, a memoir, maybe an online course or podcast.

But I’m not there yet. When I look up ways to volunteer, most places want you to be at least a year into recovery, sometimes more. I understand that; you need to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help the other person.

The blogs that I admire…these are people who were in the depths of their eating disorders in 2005, 2010, maybe 2012. Not 2018.

It’s too soon. I’m not ready yet.

So I need patience. Patience to do that really hard work, the work that is not glamorous in the least. The work that is really just about helping me, putting my own oxygen mask on. Writing blog posts that maybe only a handful of people read but are so cathartic for me. Blogging after I get home from work and put my daughter to bed, when all I want to do is sleep. Taking my meds even though I don’t want to.

I don’t know what will happen with this blog. I’m taking a day at a time in my recovery and trying to not worry about tomorrow. Today challenges me enough.

I keep coming back to God, asking for faith to believe recovery is possible. Asking for Him to help me believe what He says about me. Seeing my body as a gift from God. Seeing it as His design for my life, the body I need to live out the life He wants for me. Taking care of it because it’s a gift, not because American culture says so – AND taking care of it the way HE wants, not the way ‘Merica wants.

For now, I will keep trying. I will seek patience with myself.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Desiree says:

    Peggy, I see you as so brave and strong for sharing with us weekly, bi-weekly, and sometimes intermittently. Your blog is the only bookmarked website I have on my phone. I have checked here several times since your last post, waiting for your beautiful and soul bearing words to speak to me in my own way. I don’t have an eating disorder, but I have sin, I have moments of depression, I have fear, I have loneliness and I find SOMETHING in your words that I can apply to my own life. You’ve seen that in my posts!
    Please know that you are giving wisdom and words to those who aren’t even on your same journey. I want you to be encouraged keep going here, to lay foundation getting to that place where you are able to be a more tangible help to people struggling with an eating disorder. How amazing will that be!

    1. Thank you so much, Des. I wish we had gotten to know each other better when we lived closer together!

  2. Holly says:

    I wanted you to know that I read every single one of these blog posts. While I do not struggle with an ED, I struggle with the voices in my head ALL the time that tell me I must be perfect to be loved and I must look a certain way, accomplish certain things. You words ALWAYS inspire me. Please keep writing. You have such a gift and I KNOW you are indeed helping others in a very powerful way. Love you Pegs!

    1. Thank you, Holly! Love you too! Now – get your ass to Texas so I can see you!

  3. Barbara Elliott says:

    My cousin, you go girl!! You never know when one of your blogs touches someone! All of us try to give others hope in our own way. You may have saved one life and don’t know it. I think of it as a blessing for someone who needed this at that time of their life!! And I think of what might have happened if I hadn’t put myself out there!!! Keep on keeping on!!😘

    1. Thank you, Barbara! Love you!

  4. Rachel Lerum says:

    I love your blog. I love your stories. I love feeling like I’m going on this journey, in a small way, with you. I don’t have an eating disorder now, I mostly recovered from mine in high school. But I do have anxiety, PTSD and other issues. Your words and sharing your struggles make me feel less alone. I’ve also pointed someone who asked about eating disorders to this blog. It’s helpful.

    1. Thank you so much! I’m so glad you could share it with someone!

  5. Julie says:

    I don’t often comment or like, but I read all of your posts, and like Desiree said, your words encourage and challenge me even though I’m not dealing with the same things as you. Keep writing! And I’ve thought for years that one day you will write a memoir…when you do, I’ll read that too!

    1. Thank you so much, Julie!!

Leave a Reply