the power of a photo in recovery

I really don’t want to publish this post. But if I want to be open about what anorexia recovery looks like, it includes this.

One photo almost took me down…

Roommate and I discovered that we were dressed exactly alike on Sunday night, thought it was funny (like how people who live together start to look more like each other – or their pets) and took the picture on the right. She asked if she could post it on FB and without seeing it first, I said sure.

February 2018 and March 2019

When I saw the tagged Facebook photo, my heart dropped and my anxiety shot up. 26 people had already “liked” the post, many of whom were people I knew.

My whole body shook and I couldn’t look at the picture anymore. I untagged myself so at least it wasn’t popping up on my feed anymore.

I lay in bed, shaking and twitching, the image of my “recovered” self etched in my brain.

  • I’m a failure.
  • I’m out of control.
  • I’m lazy.
  • I don’t care what I look like.

After a few weeks of “intuitive eating” and a more positive outlook on recovery, one photo has me thinking nonstop about restricting and losing weight.

I can’t lie: I want to look like the girl on the left. I can’t keep looking like the one on the right. She’s disgusting. She’s fat. She’s horribly ugly. She’s eaten way too many bad foods. Look what happened when she “enjoyed” herself and thought she had started becoming an “intuitive eater.”

Who is beyond the photos?

The person on the left was always exhausted, angry, fainting daily, socially isolated, and scared of living. Yes, she was skinny but she was the most miserable she had ever been in her life.

The person on the right got herself moved to Texas with a job working at UT Austin, right where she wanted to be. The person on the right laughs daily with her husband and enjoys ice cream with her daughter. She has gained weight, and also gained restored faith in a God who pulled her out from her actual rock bottom.

And yet, Ana calls…Ana tells me the person on the right is disgusting and the person on the left is ideal. One year into recovery, and with one photo, Ana can take me all the way back to step one.

Except she can’t…now I have my Fight Ana Toolkit:

  • I am a Christ follower, and I believe who He says I am.
  • Diet culture is a Life Thief and a bunch of malarkey.
  • Six years of dieting literally led me to the exact same weight, to the pound, as when I started (like for real, MyFitnessPal told me so).
  • Weight does NOT equal health – you cannot tell if someone is healthy by looking at them (thin is not auto-healthy and fat is not auto-unhealthy).
  • BMI is bogus – treating it as the ultimate measure of what someone “should” weigh is NOT accurate (did you know BMI wasn’t even created for that??)
  • Thinness as a beauty ideal is completely cultural, not actually a truth (check out what men find beautiful around the world) – also why do men get to decide what is beautiful? I call BS on that.
  • Diets don’t work. How do you think the multi-billion dollar diet industry stays in business? They don’t want you to actually succeed. Think about that.
  • Weight is NOT a moral issue. We are not good or bad people based on what we weigh. We do not get to shame people based on their weight. Halt the judgment, please.
  • What matters in life. When you die, are you going to be known for being thin or fat? Probably not. For the ones whose opinions you actually care about, when you die, your life will be remembered for who you were not your weight.

I would have written this post yesterday, as my usual days are Mondays and Thursdays. But I needed an extra day. Yesterday, I was stuck in Ana’s web.

Today, I am freeing myself.

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In recovery from anorexia and depression as a 40 year old wife and mom of a toddler. Discovering who I am and hoping to help others along the way!

9 thoughts on “the power of a photo in recovery

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this post. I know it was hard but I needed it. You’re an inspiration and I wish I’d had a chance to know you better before you left.

  2. I’m so thankful to share life with you and so thankful you shareed this photo journey! Your candor is humbling and you are one of the bravest strongest humans I know!

  3. Hello! I’m stoked that we are connected here on wordpress.I love your content I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for Sunshine Blogging Award Nomination. Also, I was wondering if I could add you to my email list? If so, reply with a good email. 🙂 Have a great day!

    1. Hi Kayla! I feel like we are very similar and am glad I came across your blog. I subscribed via email today. 🙂 I saw your Sunshine Blogger post and love your softball answer…I played too! 🙂

      1. Oh thank you! I will be sure to email subscribe to yours as well! 🙂 man isn’t it the best. Do you play slow pitch, fast pitch, or both?

  4. I did fast pitch in high school but have done lots of rec leagues that are slow pitch. I definitely have lost my touch…it’s been way too long since HS and I can’t quite get back what I had in those days! Ha ha!

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