Game, Set, Match.

March 29, 2013 – my first weight recording on MyFitnessPal.

January 1, 2019 – checked my “all-time” weight recording on MFP for the first time.

In just under six years, guess what the weight difference was?

ZERO.

ZERO.

Once more, with feeling.

ZERO.

I was SHOCKED.

Since March 29, 2013, I have dieted. I have had a gym membership. I have have had a personal trainer. I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have binged. I have worked out regularly. I have eaten compulsively. I have developed full-blown anorexia. I have been in all kinds of treatment settings for eating disorders. I have exercised compulsively. I have binged.

And I have NOT CHANGED ONE POUND.

How’s that for your set point theory? In Eating Disorder Recovery world, dietitians talk about your “set point” weight. This is the range of weight that your body naturally just wants to hang out if you eat intuitively and don’t screw with it.

When I started treatment a year ago, I was given a likely set point twenty-pound range that was 20-40 pounds MORE than what I currently weighed. I balked. No way was I ever going to be okay weighing their supposed set point range. I had too many food rules in place to ever allow that to happen. How would I live with myself?

Today, I weigh at the top of the set point range I was given. In four pounds, I will be above it. I have gained 36 of the 20-40 pounds. I bought two pairs of jeans in a size that now fits me. I wore one four times, washed it, and haven’t dared to put it back on. I haven’t worn the other. I’m too scared.

I’m at set point. I guess. I don’t even really know what my set point is because my entire adult life I’ve been on an extreme end of the spectrum that in her fantastic book Landwhale, Jes Baker calls Diet Land and Donut Land, with the promised land of Discernment in between. I’ve never been in Discernment. So how would anyone really know my set point, what my body truly wants to be? There’s also this fun theory…

setpointtheory

 

So that’s cool. By repeated diet attempts for the past two decades, my set point has probably increased over time anyway.

At this weight, I’m starting to get pretty terrified of what my set point is. Where, if I actually eat intuitively, my body wants to be. The other day I said I was okay. But will I be okay if I get bigger? And apparently, that whole “I’m okay” thing only hung around for about 36 hours.

Ana is staring me down, asking: Game, Set POINT, Match? And I just don’t know if I can keep playing…

lunch is coming

*Note: I may or may not use sarcasm and humor to deflect serious issues.

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