My least favorite ride is the Recovery Roller Coaster. Up and down goes the Recovery Roller Coaster.
One day I’m UP. Eating three meals and two snacks (my latest directive from Kristen, my dietitian/therapist/all-the-things extraordinaire). I have even wondered some days if I’ve eaten intuitively that day…and then wondered if it’s intuitive if I have to ask? Isn’t intuitive by definition something that just happens naturally?
Then I go DOWN. When I look in the mirror right now, I see a big tummy and big legs. My top half is still okay but bigger than it was. I miss seeing more bones.
I’m UP again. I’m not weighing myself, despite having a scale. I’m not calorie counting, despite having the app on my phone.
I’m DOWN. I know full well that I’m not weighing myself or calorie counting because I can’t handle the numbers that would come with either. They would tell me how gross I am now.
I’m UP. I went shopping and bought some new clothes. And liked how I look in them.
I’m DOWN. The new clothes were all tops, and all loose fitting. My pants are pretty tight now. I haven’t had to go up a size officially, but if I keep going like this, I will soon. I’m scared of that day.
I’m UP. I shared an ice cream dessert at a restaurant with LK.
I’m DOWN. Eating out is still extremely anxiety provoking. I worry a lot that the other person is judging me for the food I’m eating. I worry that I’m eating too much.
I’m UP. I enjoy french fries again.
I’m DOWN. Secrets are still part of my daily food life. Usually, I am hiding the fact that I’m overeating. Sometimes, I hide that I haven’t eaten or avoid eating with others.
I’m UP. I walked two evenings in the Seattle classic weather (50s and damp/light rain), and enjoyed it. I didn’t try to burn off calories. I just walked to get fresh air and feel good.
I’m experimenting with feeling good. It feels dangerous and risky. I hope it pays off.