If I was being honest…

What would you say if you were being honest?

I would tell you:

I have been overeating for weeks.

  • Pride. Disgust. Numb.

I ate 575 calories one day, 800 the next. Then back to overeating.

  • Disappointment. Fear. Disgust.

I bought another scale yesterday.

  • Hope. Control. Relief.

I ate Taco Bell AND McDonald’s for dinner last night. I ate McD’s “at dinner” and the TB when JJ left to put LK to bed so he wouldn’t know.

  • Unlovable.

And three of those giant Jimmy John’s cookies.

  • Lonely.

And some other stuff.

  • Numb

I took the scale out of the box, set it to my specifications, and put it in the back of my closet. Under a blanket. And a tote bag. Hidden from JJ.

  • Unacceptable.

I weighed myself this morning, for the first time since August 6th.

  • Trepidation.

I gained twelve pounds.

  • Overwhelmed. Determined.

I haven’t eaten anything today (it’s 3pm).

  • Sad.

I have decided to eat as little as possible, and only when I must to keep my secret.

  • Hopeless.

Ana said, “Checkmate.”

  • Grief. Loss. Fear.

This is recovery.

I hope.

What would you say if you were being honest?

 

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope that one day you can look back and this will just be a memory.

  2. Kari says:

    Every time you speak out (especially when it’s about setbacks), you take away some of Ana’s voice.

    We are all behind you, Pegs.

    1. #mommystrong says:

      Thank you, Kari!!

  3. Nitya Kari says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this, I face the same problem as you but hopefully one day we will both be able to look ahead of the setbacks

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