If I was being honest…

What would you say if you were being honest?

I would tell you:

I have been overeating for weeks.

  • Pride. Disgust. Numb.

I ate 575 calories one day, 800 the next. Then back to overeating.

  • Disappointment. Fear. Disgust.

I bought another scale yesterday.

  • Hope. Control. Relief.

I ate Taco Bell AND McDonald’s for dinner last night. I ate McD’s “at dinner” and the TB when JJ left to put LK to bed so he wouldn’t know.

  • Unlovable.

And three of those giant Jimmy John’s cookies.

  • Lonely.

And some other stuff.

  • Numb

I took the scale out of the box, set it to my specifications, and put it in the back of my closet. Under a blanket. And a tote bag. Hidden from JJ.

  • Unacceptable.

I weighed myself this morning, for the first time since August 6th.

  • Trepidation.

I gained twelve pounds.

  • Overwhelmed. Determined.

I haven’t eaten anything today (it’s 3pm).

  • Sad.

I have decided to eat as little as possible, and only when I must to keep my secret.

  • Hopeless.

Ana said, “Checkmate.”

  • Grief. Loss. Fear.

This is recovery.

I hope.

What would you say if you were being honest?

 

4 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope that one day you can look back and this will just be a memory.

  2. Every time you speak out (especially when it’s about setbacks), you take away some of Ana’s voice.

    We are all behind you, Pegs.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this, I face the same problem as you but hopefully one day we will both be able to look ahead of the setbacks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s