My big breakthrough last week actually stuck, much to my surprise and delight.
I managed to meet my dietitian’s goals, for the most part:
- Eat 1500 calories/day
- No movement
- Drink more water (at least 32 oz/day)
That was last Wednesday. I did all of these Wednesday-Friday last week. Then, Saturday. The weekend. All started out as usual with breakfast and lunch. JJ left for an event at 3pm and LK and I were on our own the rest of the day/evening.
I made a bold move and took LK to have frozen yogurt. It has FINALLY warmed up in Seattle, and a cold sweet treat sounded amazing. LK had never had it before. And the froyo place is right by a playground. Win-win-win. The froyo was delicious, and LK loved it. I even put some toppings on mine. I got a nonfat flavor, but it was honestly the one that sounded and tasted best.
Due to having the froyo (my first afternoon snack since leaving res on June 19), I went light on dinner, having a bowl of cereal with almond milk in one of my daughter’s small bowls. Then came evening snack. I started out with my usual, a serving of low cal ice cream and two Girl Scout cookies. But the cookie boxes (I eat one each of two kinds) were ALMOST EMPTY. Have I mentioned my highly organized tendencies? I HATE having *almost* empty boxes. It drives me crazy. I needed the boxes empty and recycled, with new ones brought out. I also was craving sweets, AND interested in testing what happened if I listened to what I wanted and honored it?
So. I finished the two boxes off, recycled them and set new ones out. Ah. Relief. But now I had eaten my ice cream and quite a few cookies. I decided to just have an English muffin with peanut butter. Oh, the peanut butter was so good, maybe just a spoonful more.
When I stopped eating, I had just under what my dietitian said was my ultimate calorie goal when I become an intuitive eater (see what I did there? “when” not “if”!) so the total calories consumed wasn’t the big deal (though I had some freaking out over it). It was the fact that I tested out intuitive eating and took it further than I wanted. I have so much to learn and work to do on this recovery journey, but I’m glad I took a risk and explored.
The following day, I came in around 1100 calories so a little bit of “making up for wrong” came into play, another of Ana’s favorite tactics. But I am happy and proud to say that I got back to having 1500 calories/day on Monday and since.
In addition, two major breakthroughs:
- I had JJ hide my scale before I came home last Wednesday and went an entire week without weighing myself. And honestly, it was FINE! I tried to focus more on how I was feeling and my clothes fitting.
- I told JJ that next time we go out to eat, he can choose where we go. NO restrictions. No doubt that will be a future blog post. 🙂
This is the first week that recovery has really felt possible.