I’ve decided to call my eating disorder Ana instead of Ed. For a few reasons:
- I’m more connected to my eating disorder as a female than male.
- It’s more specific (Ana for anorexia rather than Ed for eating disorder).
- Ana is still extremely present in my life, maybe more now than ever, but she has taken on a new form in treatment than pre-treatment. New form, new name.
Some of Ana’s rules in treatment that I didn’t have before:
- I can eat breakfast and AM snack.
- I cannot finish lunch or dinner. I should only eat half at the most.
- Grains are bad.
- I may finish the boost; I am allowed to decide in the moment.
- I need to calorie count so I can eat less and know exactly where I stand.
- I will run in the shower, as it’s my only opportunity to exercise here besides the yoga and mindful walks.
- I will body check when I am alone in the bathroom.
- When on passes, I should try to be without Jesse so I can skip eating and try to fit in exercise.
I’m sure there are more rules Ana has for me, but I have realized these new rules since being in treatment.
(Disclaimer: this post may make me sound crazy. I do not hear voices, just FYI. I’m learning that it’s beneficial for recovery if I can separate the voice of my eating disorder from my Peggy voice. Then, I can be in a position to fight the disorder by recognizing thoughts as though they are not mine and choose to fight for what I want, rather than what Ana wants. I hope that makes sense.)