As a level 3, I had passes for the weekend. My first time to leave this place, other than one trip to Fred Meyer last weekend.
On Saturday, we went to our parents group’s 2nd birthday party. All 8 families were able to attend, so there were 16 adults and 8 ~2 year old kids.
I was nervous about two things:
- The Food: On Friday, I met with my dietitian to meal plan for the pass. The timing of the event required missing AM snack, but the event was a potluck so I didn’t want to just eat my snack meal as that would seem odd. So, the dietitian approved eating AM snack here during breakfast and then eating my breakfast meal at the party. We developed a specific plan for how I would do this, and I felt pretty good about it. But then it came time to actually DO IT. I portioned my plate according to the plan. I considered not doing it and lying when I returned to treatment. But I couldn’t. So I ate the food.
- The Social Situation: I have become increasingly socially anxious and isolated in my adult life. I typically keep myself occupied taking care of my daughter and/or eating so I don’t have to talk to people. This results in either restricting food or overeating, neither of which is good. I will admit that I still struggled a lot with this aspect at the party. I played with my kid most of the time, except when I ate my food.
I would call it a win-ish.
On Sunday for my pass, we went to the swimming pool. The kid had been begging Husband to take her so we decided that was a fun way to spend our pass. By Sunday, I was fed up (so to speak) with my increased meal plan and had set an intention for the day: not eat. On this pass, I just needed to have my AM snack. I packed one and brought it with me so this should have been easy.
But nothing with Ed is easy. Have I introduced you to Ed? In the eating disorder community, Ed is a common name for our eating disorders. I’m considering starting to call mine Ana (for anorexia).
Anyway, we had a great time at the pool and then it came time to have my snack. My daughter was also having her snack. Again, I considered not eating it. It would be so easy to not, and to lie about it when I got back. But I was there with my daughter, my primary motivation right now, and ate the snack.
When I got back to treatment, it was immediately time for lunch. Remember, my intention for the day was: not eat. Lunch was a fried burrito with corn and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. A really tough lunch, after already setting out to not eat. I ended up eating the corn and cookies, and half the burrito. The EDT brought me the boost liquid supplement that we are supposed to drink if we don’t finish the food. However, I couldn’t even bring myself to drink the boost. It was such a conflicted moment: on one hand, I was relieved that I wasn’t going to gain as much weight by not finishing the burrito but also guilt for not doing what I was supposed to and following the meal plan rules.
I wrapped up the weekend by writing my Life Narrative that I will share with the group on Wednesday. I had previously written Diary of a Psychological Anorexic and Diary of an Actual Anorexic, which address the Ed part of my story. The Life Narrative fills in the rest of my life story. I’m excited to share with a group that I have come to really trust and who uniquely understand life with trauma and an eating disorder. I have started to experience the kindness and grace of this community.