Please don’t make me.

I think anorexia must be a form of OCD. I certainly feel obsessed and compulsive about my weight and eating.

115.4. I had been stuck at 115.4 for 8 days, then yesterday was 114.6, and then this morning back to 115.4. But I’m on my period which always throws things out of whack.

I guess my body may be getting used to the 550-700 calorie range. That’s annoying because it will be hard to cut my calories again. Oh, but a new strategy: cut my Juice Plus shake to half a scoop of the powder for only 65 calories instead of 130. Easy.

Two days ago, I overate. I ate 1,197 calories. Then I did a 60-minute cardio workout that promised to burn 600 calories. The next morning, the scale had finally gone down to 114.6.

I have seen the nutritional counselor three times total, and the medical doctor once. I was deemed “medically stable” and therefore able to pursue the course of treatment as planned with seeing the counselor on a weekly/biweekly basis.

At the last appointment, we talked a lot about my family history and relationship with my husband, trying to understand the “why” of this whole thing. I think essentially I just don’t like myself as a person, but I can at least do whatever possible to like my body/the outside of me, even if I don’t like my person/the inside. In addition, I HATE where I live but short of divorce or suicide, I’m stuck here (for now) so this may be my way of trying to control things when I feel unable to control much.

So, as I said last time, people know. But I think it’s kind of pointless. I ended up telling a close(ish) friend here that I have regular lunches with recently. Again, I felt anxiety about telling another person. Thing is, no one checks in after. No one gives a crap. That’s good in that I’m not feeling any pressure to change. Except from my husband. But even he has let up.

He is coming to my next appointment with the counselor though. The next appointment is scarier because she wants to talk about what we can do to get me eating more. I don’t want to eat more. I don’t want to gain weight. Please don’t make me.


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