Treatment friends and empathy.

On my anorexia recovery journey, I spent 3 weeks in a daytime treatment program and 6 weeks in a residential treatment program in 2018. On my first day in the day program, during breakfast, I thought I had entered a looney bin. And I didn’t belong there. I learned more about empathy in those 9 weeks than I have in my entire life. Your family doesn’t get it. Your closest friends don’t get it. They all misfire accidentally or (even worse) intentionally in their attempts to spur you on to a recovered self. But treatment friends, people who have never…

Anorexia & Alcoholism Recovery – same or different?

I have never been an alcoholic, so add a few grains of salt to this post, but over the past year I have thought a lot about how recovery from alcoholism and anorexia have many similarities and one huge difference. I watch the CBS sitcom, Mom, starring Allison Janney and Anna Faris. Quick plug: this show is unbelievably clever and no one talks about it! Alison and Anna are amazing together. A mom (Janney) and daughter (Faris) are both recovering alcoholics. The show follows their very complicated relationship, as well as their journeys in sobriety, and currently centers on the…

The power of a doughnut.

Last March, I went to Las Vegas for a conference. I was at my deepest point in anorexia, at my lowest weight and terrified of everything. My biggest fear about going to the conference was the food. What would I eat? Would I be able to stay disciplined? Could I possibly return home at the same weight or even less? The conference provided breakfast, lunch, and two snacks. I was there with two colleagues, who were excited to explore Vegas in the evenings. As soon as our flights were booked, I started planning each day, each meal. Breakfast was easy….

Mamaritas

Last night, I went out for “Mamaritas,” my friend’s term for a group of moms going out for margaritas. In order to go, I had to do some things that I’m not accustomed to: Commit about 10 days in advance Hire a babysitter for LK (the first one ever) Stay up past 8:30pm Socialize in a normal setting I seriously contemplated backing out up until about an hour before. I really wanted to be in my pajamas and sleep. I wasn’t sure what I would eat. I was pretty sure I would be awkward. I prepped myself with a bowl…

Am I weightist?

I’m part of an initiative at work to reduce bias at our university campus. It’s work that I’m very interested in and grateful for the opportunity in my new position to be part of as an “extracurricular”. One of the projects is dedicated to inclusive teaching learning at our institution. As part of this project, I was directed to Project Implicit, an Implicit Association Test developed by Harvard psychologists. On this site, there are a wide variety of tests you can take: religion, gender, age disability, sexuality, and more. There’s even one on Presidential Popularity…I won’t go there… Of course,…

Game, Set, Match.

March 29, 2013 – my first weight recording on MyFitnessPal. January 1, 2019 – checked my “all-time” weight recording on MFP for the first time. In just under six years, guess what the weight difference was? ZERO. ZERO. Once more, with feeling. ZERO. I was SHOCKED. Since March 29, 2013, I have dieted. I have had a gym membership. I have have had a personal trainer. I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have binged. I have worked out regularly. I have eaten compulsively. I have developed full-blown anorexia. I have been in all kinds of treatment settings…

I’m okay.

A miracle happened this Monday morning. I was driving to work and felt my belly and hips. Employing a coping strategy from treatment, rather than personalizing my thought, I observed it: “Hmm. I feel my belly and hips. I am noticing they are there.” Then, I did the usual next thing. I reached over and pinched my side. I felt the extra skin and extra me that is now there where it wasn’t before. I observed it: “I feel this extra skin.” Then, something totally miraculous happened. I thought, “I’m okay.” Wow. I haven’t thought, “I’m okay” in a really…